I understand this very well, even as a woman of age 36, there are surmounting insecurities from girls you are just getting to know, and you don't feel like she's digging you as much as you are her. Girls who assume certain lied about me and believe them all because they're just don't give a damn to ask if they're true. Girls who will compete with you for anything there is to squabble over, clothes, positions, friendships, attention, there is still jealousy, envy, disgust, judgement and competition even at my ripe old age. Which makes me kind of sad and amazed at the realization girls carry their wounds for a long time without healing and they grow old with it, and I am amazed at women like my mother who have not the care of the world to even worry about the upper hand, pride, and all sorts of other non-sense that make girls...well...bitchy. When I see my mother, she is literally kind to anyone she talks to and communes with, anyone is lucky to be in her company because she is selfless to love. She relinquishes all power and winning game chip so that there is peace, so you will feel loved, so she can be kind.
I understand this very well, because I don't know how to be kind sometimes when all I have given and all that is vulnerable is exposed and it's...scary. I often resort to bring out my bitch to protect what I thought was safe to show, what I thought was okay to share. I am too afraid to relinquish the upper hand over people because I've been hate crimed too and it's enough to make me learn a lesson about how you can't really trust girls especially because they eventually turn their bitch on you too. It's far more courageous to be the kind girl, showing respect when someone is acting like a fool, showing love when you are shown hate, showing vulnerability when you're not quite sure what they will do with it, showing grace when they are hardened by hate-crimes shown by others, healing wounds others have caused. Isn't that what I want too? Isn't that a basic human desire? To be shown respect, love, and vulnerability? It's easy to blind to the small ways we are dehumanizing other women by our hardened hearts and doubtful thoughts and motives driven by fear. Every day, I set out on social interactions with other women with heart guarded, then slowly cajoled open, testing each person with high suspicion, always assuming they will hurt me, if not today, someday.
How can I be myself and let others be free to be themselves when I am always cautious of becoming a victim? All the times I wrote about love, I have been wrong about it. All the times I thought I was being loving, I wasn't. I am learning more about love these few years of struggle and I think I finally see the blurry outline of what it's suppose to be and it's not pink, or fields of grass and beachy sand. It's more like tears, strength, courage, and loyalty...something like that, I'm not sure yet. But today, I want to resolve to be kind and like love, it's harder than I ever thought.