Tuesday, September 24, 2013

S.O.S

Dear God,

I am sick and tired of waiting on you. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish and what glory you are trying to abstract from me?  You say that you love me but everything seems bleak. My loyal and true friends are closer to me than ever, but I can't feel their love, I feel numb to it. I see that Jude, Hans, and I are happy together most days, filled with laughter and play, but I am out of my body and inside of my head. I feel my head is decapitated and I no longer own the body I have. I am a floating head full of bad ideas, hasty decision, poor judgement and I make despicable choices, which lead me down a dangerous path of hating myself and the people involved.

There is lushness in my spiritual life, or there should be, leading a CG and I've been taking more ownership lately because Hans is so indisposed as of late. I lead a woman's group called Lies Women Believe and I believe the most lies out of anyone in the group, I'm afraid...I am in the praise team and I feel the gift of worship I once had, where there was so much power, is drained and now, I am just a resounding gong when I sing. It's just noise to you. I've been part of MJ's group which has been such a safe place for me for the last 10 months, but all of the sudden, my heart is turning against it because I have too much to hide, too much to share, too much to deal with and fix that I'm sick of myself. I'm tired of being in my head all of the time and although I'm not divulging a copious amount of dirty laundry onto others, I feel I'm just a burden to them.

I'm sick and tired of waiting to be the girl that I once was before I've been affected by the world, fed lies, believed them, and wounded beyond repair. I'm sick and tired of the continual damage I inflict on myself as well as damage flung onto me by others. I'm tired of waiting and my heart grows ever darker and bitter still because why wouldn't God of Love, who says he desires a love affair with me keep me in the dark and at an arms length. I hear of your great love and know that Christ has died loving me, I only know it as concept and I don't feel it, see it or taste it, I don't experience it every single day, nor have I known it for years. Are you the typical Asian dad that makes his children assume he loves them, but there is very little expression? I pray for it and desire it, why would you withhold THIS from me, why wouldn't you grant this to me?

How long do I need to wait to live a full life in you? The kind of life you promised, the kind of life you dream for us to have, planned for us to have. Is it just reserved for some and not me? Why must everything I do be SO difficult, slow moving and roads paved with obstacles and traps. How much do I have to do? How many books must I read about prayer, characters of the bible, holiness, reaching for the invisible God, the life I was suppose to have and the Jesus I never knew? How many songs must I sing? How many desires and dreams must I put away before you are satisfied...and as I typed this, I know you don't require any of this shit, but I don't know what else to do...I don't even know how to just be, I forget how... because my mind is ringing and my heart is failing. Shall I just die right here?

Where are you?


Saturday, September 21, 2013

Lies I believe


A voice as she strolled by, "psst...Eve, listen..."
She listened, then thought about it, she conversed and replied to it
She saw that it was good to eat, glistening, skin taut from juices at the cusp of bursting forth as teeth pierce through
She was convinced, she believed 

God is holding out on me, he isn't giving me what I need or what I desire
He will always say no to whatever is pleasurable to me
If I have a dream he will kill it, if I have a plan he will thwarted, he will trip my feet and bind my hands

He will not spoil me because he knows I can withstand it, he knows I wont complain...at least not out loud or with my lips.
He is hard on me and disciplines me because he is afraid, if I have it easy I will go astray
I am astray...and he doesn't bring me back

I will eat of this world what I want because I don't trust he will give me good things
I have to help myself
I need to get it on my own
things that cover up, lift up, make up, hide, compensate

I eat of it and see; I am not clever, I am not love, I am not good
I eat of it and I am naked and I have plenty to hide
I open my eyes and I cannot the bare the sight, I am ashamed

I will clothe myself and save myself, fight against my evil inclinations and forcing myself to resist
Lamenting my sins and imperfections, neither of them specks
How can I defend myself against my sins and flaws?
A gaping hole in my heart that is desperate, it swallows me whole
Shovel as many things in with expiring and deflatable means, as the hole is ever growing

The hold on me is tight, claws sinking in my failing flesh, deeper every time
How will I survive without the claws that plug up the holes, I will bleed out
Whispers of sweet nothings I'm yearning to hear

"psst...Sus, listen..."

I am defenseless against his seduction who gives me counterfeit words and synthetic fill, I fall each time weaker and deeper in
I am deceived and my innocence slain

Defend me O God, I commit myself in the care of your sword, defend my true self, that is not the fallen Eve but the Eve who was the crown of all creation before the bite
Take my bankrupt soul and heart and fill it with your tender love, pure, full and sincere

The Calm After the Storm

Before the Ohio trip a few weekends ago, I desperately needed to get away from home, from my family, Chicago, my reality in general. There was this pressure building up in me, like only stuffers can really work up and generate, and I had no where to release. I didn't know how to release. When S came to pick me up for the long road ahead, I skipped to her car and threw my luggage into the back seat because I couldn't be bothered to place it neatly and we needed to get out of Dodge stat. The drive to Ohio was the kind of road trips you imagine when two giggly girls are confound in a car for a long stretch of 6 hours and 2 hours of traffic, just trying to get out of the city. We began talking and laughing, dancing to our jams, ascribing people to songs that came on the radio asking, "who do you think of when you hear this song?" Then came the silent lull that is comfortable only when you're in a car together that long.

Once we got to Ohio, it was non-stop fun and there were stories we would recap on the way back home, the second installment of the road trip, a little less lively but never the less enjoyable. Our friend Lynn was a beauty and we knew she would be beautiful as a bride, but when I looked at her, I kept bursting into tears. Something about her purity that made me see myself and how I would like to be some day. I was also a little jealous she as already this way without working at it, and lurking into the deep dark abyss that is her soul to fix herself, to be different and improve, to live in freedom. When the weekend was over, the morning of departure was a little depleted of all the buzz for the future fun we would have in the short days to come. We had bagels, fruit and a some water to drain the boozy weekend, then we dragged out bags into the car again and slumped into our seats for take off.

There was nothing that was ground breaking in our conversations, just a lot of thoughts and jokes and giggles. We didn't encounter anything holy or godly in the conventional sense of the word, but when I got home on that Sunday, I saw my family with new eyes. They looked and sounded different to me, precious, lovely and I as enamored with my community, my friends and my church again. I often confine the almighty God, the creator of the universe and all living things into a tiny box in which he can do great works. I dismiss God and exempt him from my life as I walk out of my QT, church, small group or, just holy talk. But I think God had given me a weekend of venting and letting me laugh, the kind of laughing that makes you cry and have stomach cramps. He let me see myself if I were to live without self will and be fettered to his loving will, in the bride. He also let me miss my baby a little and when I got home, he was adorable to me again.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Lovely L

This past weekend, our little one got married. L has to be the most purest, the most naive and trusting person I have ever met. She's the type of girl that lives in a small Ohio town, the kind of town that has neighbors that allows chickens run a muck in their front yard, and she's completely content, she relishes it. There was a time I visited Ohio and L wanted to come with us to Kent which is about an hour from her house on the highway. This was a major problem because she doesn't drive on the highway, it stresses her out and it's not that she can't, she just wont. So, she hitched a ride with us and because she had to leave early for work, one of our kind friends drove her all the way back home and drove all the way back to Kent, making it a 2 hour round trip for him. That's the thing about her though, she felt perfectly fine with exposing her deepest fears and not so deepest of fears, but also to be accepted in it and to accept help. She didn't strive, twist and wring her hands because she felt bad that our friend had take two hours out of his day to drive her home, she accepted his help because I think she can picture what frienships ought to be and she believes in it.

She's also the kind of girl that gets into your car for a long road trip, and within the first 5 seconds of getting in, buckling her seat belt, she asks, "So, do you believe in God?" A valid question and perfectly fitting for a long ride conversation topic, but not within the first 5 seconds, perhaps hour  2 or maybe hour 1, but not before you even get off the local roads. I love her purity in that way, that there is no waiting or manipulating time or situation for the right way to strike, but she genuinely wanted to know. So she asked. When she was met with a startled response, "Woah, you just got in the car!" She giggled and asked if he wanted a chicken nugget. This was also the same friend that drove her home from Kent, mentioned above. She didn't press the issue after that.

L is in her twenties and she still brings "baby" along with her on trips, a stuffed bear that her parents had given her when she first came from Korea. Baby's nose is now bald, along with most of her body, her eyes a little milky from all the roughness that came with being a child's chosen, her outfit has changed over time because she just needed new ones from the wear and tear. She wanted baby to have a white dress just like her on her wedding day, but her mother says she couldn't be responsible for Baby's where abouts while the day progressed, so she had to stay home. I missed Baby that day. L use to send me text messages littered with pictures of Baby, and that didn't seem ridiculous to me at all. In fact, I wanted more as if she was my sisters actual baby and Baby was my niece.

Watching her from a far, she was so lovely...her long limp arms draping over the shoulders of her guests. She placed light kisses on her family and friends and I couldn't wait to hug her and smell her. As I watched her make her way down the pews to greet and dismiss her congregation, I never saw her more radiant and pure. She was my role model. Sitting there, I wanted to be just as pure, light, naive, kind, and the way she accepts love without feeling burdened to perform, saying whatever was on her mind because she knows it'll be good and not malicious, she doens't control, manipulate, toil or press, she is the picture of a content child. She is lovely.