Monday, July 22, 2013

Renamed

I've been part of a women's group for the last 7 months now, and I am more and more thirsty for our meetings each time we meet. We meet every other week and it seems too far and few between because of the healing, comfort and purpose the group gives me. It's not a Bible study, it's the study of God and how he has written in our lives, his story of redemption despite our sins and the sin of others. We have been exploring our relationship with fathers, mothers, our culture, our ethnicity, the women in our lives and eventually the men too...I realize, even though my past has faded into a foggy picture of what was almost forgotten, the pains and mistakes of our own making and not, we compensate for them by having deep addictions to specific behaviors we play out every single day, in every single interaction we have. We've not healed from them, we've only looked the other way.

I have been proud thinking that I am confident in Christ who has covered me and I am a princess in my own right. I am assured by my earthly father, brother, husband and other brother like figures along the way that I am loved and appreciated for who I am. I sailed a long way here without really knowing what plagues me and once I am tested, my sense of self comes shuffling down like a house of cards. Slippery foundation, with slick surfaces, the flimsy cards hold nothing but bluff behind my brave and sometimes smug face, there is nothing that holds when temptation and hardships come.

I have been feeling like I'm failing at everything and feeling less than confident in anything I do or am, which is unlike me. Even being open here, where I have bore my soul and heart, my anger and depression, without apologizing or blushing in the past, has become with held proses and euphemisms, only hinting at what I'm really feeling. I think it's because I have much to hide these days, my thought life and my spiritual life has fallen to waste and I am ashamed someone might read my mind. I feel all bad, and no good at all...I am especially feeling the weight of sins in my life and I am crushed by them. Then, I realize that this is not the gospel, what we know as the Good News. I'm living though I am dead and that's not living at all, to be under foot of my own sins and it's consequences. I am a new creation and I am no longer in condemnation! I am good by the righteousness that is given to me by grace alone. Amen.

The women's group has given the assignment of listening to what God has to say about the name he is giving us. The new name that is to replace the old names like, failure, bad, lonely, unworthy, ect. I'm not quite sure this is my final destination, but for now, my name is still Good.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

A Quickie: A post-It note entry

Pre-Jude days when I had an infinite amount of brain power and time, I would just think of things to write and Voila! There they were, without even much effort or time, everything I want to say lay there on a page. These days, it takes much more effort to get myself to sit down and use my brain beyond the conversations I have with a two year old. I think my vocabulary has dwindled down to exactly the amount of words Jude knows. So, here are some things I've been thinking about and would have blogged about in full form if I were still pre-Jude. Some things I've heard on the radio and seemed like it was worth it to explore and some are observations I've made.

Do you have that one girl friend that makes you insecure? Because she's prettier than you are, she dresses better? she's smarter than you? I can't think of any...but I'm sure I'll come up with someone.

On the same note, I also wanted to write about relationships girls have with other girls. Why so difficult? And how do I have the kind of girlfriends Rachel had in Friends or Carrie had in Sex and The City.

In light of having my family around for Jon's wedding, I noticed a common family trait...maybe a family curse. Chronic Loneliness...my grandmother had it, my dad, my uncle and I do too. Where does it come from?

Those people who can get you to do anything or believe anything/everything they say.

And why mommy-hood sucks the brain juice and mojo from every girl out there. And how do you get it back? Can you get it back...? I hope so.

Okay, that's all I have...
I'm sorry
I can't
Don't hate me.


Epic Fail

I feel like I'm failing at everything lately. And by fail, I think I mean I don't having anything in my control and nothing is tidy or the way I would like for things to be. My brother married very recently and I wish I had more time with him this weekend and maybe even asked him to have dinner with me one last time, just him and me. Not that he's moved away or he's sailed away at sea, but he no longer belongs to anyone but his wife, so in that departure I think I could have said my last say as just my brother.

I imagined this two weeks with my aunt from Korea to be leisurely, three women and a reluctant little boy lunching in a shady out door city eatery. Sight seeing, walking in museums and absorbing everything good and holy about women from a different generation who's blood pulsate through mine. I wanted to know what they thought about family and how they came out the other end still honorable and sane, still married to their first husbands and their sons praising their name. I wanted some kind of connection and reliance on someone that just sees me as Susie, without judgement and flaws seem a distant faint figure in a foggy day. Alas, it's not turning out to be how I planned the days of her visit in my head. It's hot, I'm tired and agitated from shushing first graders all day long, and I've more than once wanted to snap at both my mom and aunt. In fact, I think I actually did....more than once.

Not only am I biting the heads off of all of my relatives and first graders, I'm swinging to the other end of the pendulum, shutting down like I'm conserving my energy just to stay mentally contained...or at least appear like it. You know...like those really rich women who dress in Chanel suits whilst doting on their pet philanthropy project, but do cocaine and have affairs with their drivers? Like that.

Whatever interaction I've been having with KCCer's through text messages and snapchats have been in haste and less enthusiastic than years past because I've had too much to juggle this week. I want to virtually participate in KCC like last year, but like I said I'm trying to conserve my energy to keep from exploding and have everyone around me die. I haven't talked to my husband in what seems like a year, and I am constantly fighting and making up with a two year old all day long. I want to minister and be kind to small children who have too much energy and equal amount of things to say, but all I do is shush them and make them line up walking back from the playground, like the VonTrapp children in the sound of musical. All I need is a whistle. I haven't seen my friends, I haven't been to church, and somehow I feel like my feet have been tied to a horse with a rope, and it's dragging me through a western town. I would normally find blogging therapeutic, but I've lost my writing flow and can't get the words out. What I thought would be a venting session is making me even more frustrated because I've lost my writing mojo along with my spirit.