Thursday, June 23, 2011

Father's day (a widdle bit late)

The older I get the more I realize my mother and father are not just my mom and dad, but they're people. They lived vibrant lives before me or my brother and lived young and fabulous lives that didn't require grinding up apples to feed to eager mouths, nor have to bring his little girl to a boy's gathering to cramp his style while his wife was out taking art lessons. My dad had dreams of grandeur and lived out his peak days of traveling to Paris, London, living in Amman, Jordon and visiting the neighboring cities like Beruit and Istanbul, and relocating his family to Japan. Taking trips to America and always bringing back a genuine American Barbie dolls, I secretly despised because I thought she was ugly.

Two roads diverged for my dad in Japan the year of 1985 when his contract as the branch manager in Osaka, Japan ended. The company loved him so much, they wanted to extend his stay another 4 years as the Osaka branch manager and offered him quite a raise. My dad had a decision to make, to give his family a life of luxury and stability that we've always known in a country that he knew was dead spiritually and eventually would take a toll on us, or to move us to the United States. This seem like a no brainer, I mean, doesn't every one pursue the dream of living in the United States for a better life?  better opportunities, white picketed fences, streets paved with gold and money falling into your lap as long as you work hard and honest? He also didn't want to return to Korea because of the arduous education system and the competitive nature of just standing out as a student. Everyone goes to after school study sessions, everyone plays music, takes art lessons and when you're in high school, you take three meals because students are in school all day long.

His decisions were based solely on the well being of his family. He finally quit the job he had with Hanjin Shipping company and relocated us to the States. In the beginning of our life in the States, my mom and dad try to make end meet by working at McDonalds washing dishes and mopping the floor, while my mom skipped lunch so that she would make that extra 4.25. My dad worked very hard to give us a good life, trying to give us any and everything we ever would wanted. There were times of short comings and when ends didn't always meet, there were times when his business ventures failed, he encountered malicious creatures who were out to prey on the innocent like my mom and dad. Living in America was not easy for my parents and although they worked more than they should have to give us a life of spiritual freedom, educational opportunity and a life of blessing, my father in the end still has that same smile at the age of 64.

Hardships my father faced as an immigrant aren't unique to him, but it was difficult to give up a way of living you've already achieved, your education, you're pride. When world was too harsh, and he was drowning in the life he was living, he did regress into a man that could not control his temper, words or emotions and the dad I use to know had disappeared for a season. My dad who calls me "Audrey Hepburn," prays for Hans to be like Abraham and delights in his sons entrepreneurial spirit had not died, and when he realized he had become what he hates, he worked hard to return again. Whether he's writing his kids a funny email, telling us stories at dinner or dropping a piece of chocolate in my soy milk, we know exactly the kind of boy and young man he was before we were ever in the picture. I'm proud and a little bit relieved that my father is still that young man of 31 when he married my mom. Laughter seeping out from between his teeth, wonder pouring out from his far away sparkling eyes, and opportunity, capability, freedom in the tilt of his frame. I'm thankful that his kids didn't cramp his mojo or hardships cripple his valiant soul, that he remained who he was no matter the testing fire of life.

On white horse, in Amman Jordon
1969 High school graduation (far right)

Happy Father's day dad! I love you!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Girl Crush Friday ~ Nicole Scherzinger

Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger (33) has a long name...I can barely make out her last name let alone all the ones in between Nicole and Scherzinger. Did you know she's part Asian? Her father is of Filipino decent and her mother is a mix of Hawaiian and Russian. These mixed kids, made up of all the best features of a race. She's the front girl for Pussy Cat Dolls and made Burlesque dancing classy, and yes Nicole, I do wish my girlfriends were a freak like you. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Girl Crush Friday... On a Thursday~ Zooey Deschanel

I had several unrelated, mutually exclusive people tell me this girl reminded them of me. They can't tell me why either, they say it's not like I look like her....But I'm flattered I guess because she's obviously cute and quirky. :) 

Do you love her yet?

Zooey Deschanel (31) is an actress, song writer and singer. She moved around just  as much as I did and her mother is French. I swear I'm not doing it on purpose picking all these French girls...She's quirky and funny and smart. She attend the very prestigious Northwestern University in Evanston IL for 7 months before she dropped out for her acting career. She has this other worldly feel to her and she has an old soul. No one would ever think her normal, but although she's a little bit weird you are completely smitten by her. I like it that she's not completely understandable by anyone. 

Saving Face

Now that I am on the other side of Korea waiting for a child, I am forced to face my culture and  it's Confucian ways in more of an in-depth way. Before you decide that I am anti-Korea, I want to say that I am proud of my heritage. I believe that Korean people are generally very open, warm, passionate, and there are some things you have to say in Korean because it would not express quite exactly the essence of a taste, a feeling or a situation. Korean culture is beautiful, but with the honorifics, respecting the elderly, remembering your ancestors and having pride in your family blood lines and namesakes, we are a proud people. With a strong sense of shame, Korea has in the post modernistic era, still holds the traditions of old world dignity in marriage, family and patriotism. There is a certain sense of community, where we call strangers grandma if you're a grandmother, or oppa, unni, or ahga-ya (big brother, big sister, and baby) and within your town, people are not just backdrop to your neighborhood, but they are indeed your neighbors.

This strong sense of propriety and community lends itself to shame and expulsion of any despicable act, and for as a specific example, girls who get pregnant when they are young and adoption. There was once an article written in the New York Times about Korean adoption titled "Korea Aims to End Stigma of Adoption and End Exporting Babies." Yes, the article called international adoption "exporting babies" like we're exporting sesame oil or trading coffee beans overseas. This mainly comes from the shame of North Koreans accusing South Korea of selling their babies to foreigners, when  North Koreans are starving theirs. One would expect more from South Korea, who seems the more successful older brother to ignore the rantings of  a troubled younger brother blurting out obscenities for the sake of boosting his own self esteem. South Korea plans to shut down all operations of international adoption by 2012.

"South Korea is the world's 12th largest economy and is now almost  an advance country, so we would like to rid ourselves of the international stigma or disgrace of being a baby-exporting country" - Kim dong-won of Ministry of Health in Korea. He says "it's embarrassing." The trouble is that no one in the country of Korea wants to adopt, and even if they do, there is great shame in adoption that some men have told their elderly parents that the adopted child was his own biological child by the way of adultery. This tells us one thing, that blood lines are far more important than necessary. Why is admitting to an affair to your aging parents far less shameful than to admit that you have adopted a child because you wanted to? Some women even go through 9 months of "appearing" pregnant, setting up elaborate lies and ruses to convince their community and family members that the child they are about to adopt is biologically theirs.

Koreans are not evil people, but they are a homogeneous group of people with ideologies that date back to ancient times. Although their eyes are opening to their error in holding on to backward ways of Confucianism, like women having no rights for example, some things are still very engrained in their culture. Bloodlines, names, family background is still very important and I value that as well. It's not an evil thing to know where you come from and what kind of legacies have been passed down to you. You cannot think that you came from no where and you are your own person without roots, your parents, your great grandparents to make you who you are and that you will not leave a legacy to someone else below you. However, rejecting adoption is still an ignorance on the part of the Korean people, and if the nation of Korea cannot love and care for their orphans like their own, then you must let others who will.

The people are still beautiful, with hospitality that none can equal, except for maybe the Arabs. No one can teach these people to let loose and have fun because the culture is to eat, drink and be merry. It's totally acceptable to get a little drunk and sing at a karaoke with your boss, in fact, it's expected! The traditions, the dress, the language, the food, I don't know if I'd pick another ethnicity if I were to reincarnate, but there are a few things Korea still need to open their eyes to.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Problem with Korea is....

Korea has a long standing honorable reputation for international adoption and you can say that it's a boutique shop for orphan babies. The Country is affluent, the babies are given to foster care for one on one nurturing so that they are physically and emotionally healthier than most babies awarded to waiting parents. Korea has not signed the Hague Convention because the country has such a high functioning adoption process, if they abide by the Hague Convention procedures and bylaws, it would hinder their system. They will guarantee their babies by the signature of forfeiture by the mother and if the baby does not come with a forfeiture, say if the baby is abandoned on the streets; the child is not adoptable and is confined to institutionalized living in an orphanage. Cruel you say? Yes, but this is the consequence they face of giving you boutique service and the stamp of authenticity that the baby you are receiving is not via black market, aka child trafficking.

Although Korea has been a great source of happy families, it has its downfalls.  The part of the reason why adoption from Korea is so popular is because of "Korean pride", a Confucian way of promoting their honor and sending a message to our World neighbors, especially our estranged National Brother that we are good, we are evolved, we treat our children with dignity, and they have! By all means and I don't doubt the care and the heart Korean have for their orphaned children. However, Korea has allotted a certain amount of permits called E.P to be distributed to each of the agencies in Korea for children to leave the country. Without these permits, children and their waiting families to wait until the next year when the permits are distributed once more. The problem isn't the agencies mis-allocating or mis-managing the given permits, but it is the country of Korea for sanctioning a limitation on how many are given each year instead of allowing a permit to be issued every time a baby petitions to leave the country.  That is the evil of it.

It's not just Korea, it's also China and India as well. China doesn't plan on stopping their inter-country adoption any time soon because no one will ever adopt their girls. However, it now takes 4 years to adopt a a baby girl from China. India will not allow you to adopt unless you are a citizen of the country and well, to say it plainly, no citizen of India will adopt an orphan for their strong sense of family name and blood lines. There is something to be said about Korea though, although the nation believes that they are an evolved and sophisticated group of people, who no longer follows the cultural stigmas of yore, they still have not changed at all. I  can talk about Korea because I know firsthand what the stigma is to be pregnant, single and 16 because I know the culture, I've grown up with that kind of shame based teachings breathing down my neck. It's the honor, the need to appear affluent and first world that whole nation continues to be unwisely stringent on how many children leave the country for adoption. Statistically that would make them third world and irresponsible, unable to take care of their own children. So, even though they will not take care of their own, they will not allow you to take care of them either.

What of the children who have been an infant waiting for a native Korean to adopt them, but have aged out to 5 months? There are no referrals given out, so these children will be skipped over until someone requests a child that is older. Which is very rare because there are more emotional ramifications attached to children who are a year and older. Attachment is difficult and the grieving the child goes through is more detrimental than if the child were of a younger age. What of the families that have already received their referral and they have seen their baby's face, only to wait clutching the picture until a new batch of permits are issued by the State so that they can pick up their baby? Do they not think about anything else but how they look to others? 

There has been National Campaigns to adopt within the country and in efforts to push for that, Korean nationals were given leniency in qualifications, they were given the "first dibs" rule hence the need for children to age out to 5 months before they are matched with international parents. Celebrities donated their faces and influence in this and there has been a rise in in-country adoption, but alas as all fads in Korea, adoptions also faded quickly. I have a feeling Korea still has a long way in developing socially and morally beyond their old world culture.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Going a bit stir crazy

I realized I said, not a week ago that I had not one iota of "ants and the pants" feeling about my adoption. That I wasn't anxious or feeling impatient about the child coming, but I am. It's typical of me to ignore my feelings and put on a tough face when I don't want to fully realize the fact of the matter. We have been waiting for a long time and our life stage friends are getting younger and younger. The women who have been the support group of childlessness and waiting are now moving onto having their second children. The ones that have decided, "this is my last attempt before I decide to adopt" have become pregnant. I am still waiting on my referral and although I could pursue biologically still, I refuse because I know my child is out there waiting for me as much as I am waiting for that child.

 Although we haven't necessarily stopped the world from spinning on it's axis and pausing this long saga of life until we had our baby, we are waiting. We are waiting while we go out to dinner with our friends, on a whim go run out for some sushi and an occasional corn dog. We love our life and the way it's easy for us to attend multiple Cubs games on a whim if the tickets are available to us, be fully engaged and involved in various ministries and just be completely for ourselves. When we are sick of the kids we are with and one too many renditions of the itsy bitsy spider has been sung, we can hand that human being over to their rightful parents and retreat into our quiet childless, grown up condo.

I won't love changing diapers, crying children, sleepless nights and for some odd reason this is what I want now. One can only be for one self and live for one self for so long before you want to pour your life and soul into another. Some are called to pour that in to their community, making spiritual sons and daughters, but for us, adoption and child rearing is the calling. Just this Sunday I found out that our agency in Korea has run out of EPs (a permit allowing children to leave the country). Korea only has a set amount each year and it is distributed to the agencies in the country, and once you are out, you are out, no child will leave the country, for if there are too many babies leaving Korea in a certain period time, it might shame them as a nation. Luckily, I have not received a referral or a match yet and thus my child will not be aging while I wait until next year when more permits are allotted to the agencies for babies to leave the country. However, I am to wait another 5 months until I receive any word on a match until it's November and by that calculation, we won't be seeing our baby until March of 2012.

I have to remember that the baby we recieve is the baby we are meant to recieve, but it's difficult to wait for 9 months only to have it extended. I thought I had done my time....

Monday, June 13, 2011

Shifting Sand

" Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007." - Conan O'Brien (Dartmouth commencement)

This is the second time I've heard Conan O'Brien give a speech. He addressed the Harvard class some-teen years ago and in 2010, he addresses the graduating class of Dartmouth College in New Hampshire. The speech was funnier and well delivered, you can tell that he has come a long way since mid-career when he was in the thick of being popular and have succeeded in the dreams he set out to achieve. When Conan O'Brien gave this speech, he was now speaking as man who have seen dizzying disappointment at an age he would or should have been soaring and sitting at the pinnacle of his dreams and he's better for it. He testifies, 

 "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention." 

I had dreams of grandeur when I was in college, enrolling into a International Relations program, working overseas, translating and or working for UNICEF, saving the orphans and the children who are starving around the world. The dreams of my twenties lasted even after it was impossible for me to pursue those school and considered myself a failure because I did not achieve what I had set out to do, and for a perfectionist it's disorienting. I didn't know what to do with myself after the dust settled in my mind that I would have to loosen my grips on that dream. I couldn't drop it like a hot potato, but slowly loosened my grips on the images I had concocted during my day dreams. I worked at the Korea Tourism Organization in Chicago in hopes to transfer to the Korean Embassy office just a few blocks down, but didn't speak enough Korean to be a sure fit in the role. I tried throwing my family and community away in a "forget me basura" and enrolled myself in an International Relations program 2 summers a go, determined to make my dreams come true. I didn't go instead, I went to Korean Culture Camp and applied for adoption. Now and then, I still google jobs online to see if there are UNICEF Chicago jobs that could be a fit for me. 

In my thirties, although I'm only at the beginnings of this decade, I see that I have been successful in the realm of family, community, and the passions I'm most proud of in myself. The good that I have cultivated is by no means something I have worked out with my own hands, but graciously given by God above, who knew just the kind of life I would like to have lived deep inside. I now I have different dreams and it seems worlds away from the ones I had as I commenced from higher establishments of academia, but by no means a failure. I dream now of receiving my referral from Korea, I dream for the future, that I would receive a few more of those referrals. Who knows though, what God will bring and choose for us, maybe I'll have a biological child and no more adopted ones. We would never know, but one thing is for sure, I have more patience and am long suffering, allowing life to happen but not to be victimized. All is shifting sand, except my Jesus who is solid rock.  I guess we haven't changed much since being the child that changed what she want to be from one year to the next.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Girl Crush Friday ~ Gwen Stafani

Gwen Stefani (41). Can you believe she's 41? She's still so hot and so down to earth at the same time. I loved Gwen from the days of "I'm just a girl" and "Spiderweb" lamenting your telephonic invasions, screening your calls and planning her escape from the spiderweb you're weaving. She's the cool girl that can rock with boys as her back up and have six pack abs WHILE she's pregnant. She writes all of her songs and you can see just what she's going through, break ups, make ups, new found love, or just a pesky caller, but she leave everything paper and song. In life, she's a happy rocker, never drunk in public, no vices, happy home and baby. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Waiting for the call

I've been asked at church, at weddings, BBQ's, the gym, even at the grocery store if I had gotten the call. If someone didn't know I was waiting for my adoption agency to call with the news of my baby match, they would think I would have told the whole town about a boy that wouldn't call me. It's been a long road to this point and the process has halted in a way because there is nothing but a bunch of silence. We are sitting in a proverbial line for our turn to be matched with a 5 month old who has aged out according to Korean adoption policies.  I'm not really anxious or impatient or exactly sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. H on the other hand looks at my face with anticipation every time the phone rings and I check to see who's calling the screen. "It could be any day now..." he would say. Yes, it could be any day now, any minute now...but for some reason, I don't feel the same kind of anxious-ants-in-the-pants as my fellow waiting parents.

My girlfriend who is also waiting for a child from Spence-Chapin is head to head with me in the waiting process and we may even travel together when  we get the call. She is filled with anxious excitement and anticipates every phone call as THE ONE. Am I not being a good waiting parent? I mean...I'm waiting but not anticipating, anticipating but not really anxious. "It'll come when it comes...." is what's running through my head. This is not to say that I am not excited for my child to arrive and I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing or that I don't really realize the gravity and how real this is. Someone is actually going to give me a b.a.b.y. a real live one! I get that, I know my head....

The reason why I'm not wringing my hands in anxiety or impatience is because I know this child, this baby. When I dream about her, when I think about her, she is a specific one child that was created for me.  From the time of conception, her fate was to follow a road into my arms and there isn't a sense of chance or random meeting, but completely intentional scheming by God. I don't know this child, but when I imagine an orphanage with aisles and aisles of cribs each with a waiting childing lying in them, I think of one specific baby, a light forms around her and she's the one. I don't imagine that out of the sea of little faces a human hand will pick out the child's picture when I step up from a line of parents and that kid happens to be the matching one. Maybe in reality or in human eyes, that is exactly what will happen, but in the realm of God's ultimate planning, she is already chosen and when I do step up from the line, when it's my turn to be matched, she will be the exact child God has chosen for me a long time ago.

So no, I'm not waiting in anxiety, that maybe somewhere out there, a parent is getting the baby I should have gotten, but my time has not come yet and my baby hasn't aged out to 5 months yet.*

*By Korean law and efforts to encourage Korean natives to adopt, all infants must age out to 5 months so that the Korean natives have "first dibs" on the children. Once they hit 5 months exactly, they are matched with the next pool of waiting parents in line. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Resignation as Admin

I can hardly believe that it's been 6 years since I began at Harvest Community Church as the Administrative assistant, and back then Pastor Dave just called me the secretary. Since I began the job, I have had several laps of day dreaming and regretting, recounting and doing mental gymnastics to see where I would have ended up if I had finished my graduated degree in Korea and pursued other fashions of life. In this particular blog entry, two years into my employment here, it seems that I have chosen something that would have cost me something else; and I think I was right in thinking so.

If my recounting and day reveries have come into fruition, I would have missed out on the people I know now, the relationships, the calling that is so clear to me. If I had back tracked on the trajectory of my life and began where I was "suppose" to have been, in Korea, pursuing a job in the United Nations or working in a Foreign country somewhere out there, it would have cost me my calling to adopt. Yes, every choice is a forfeiture of something else, an opportunity cost but I don't believe that those costs need be calculated and put on an excel sheet of future predictions of our lives. Our lives aren't penny stocks and if we watch and weigh every mistake, experience, victories and failures, we will not live because it will paralyze us from going one way or another and that will cost us our lives.

Most days, I don't know why I was summoned here and I often repeat a sour mantra in my head, "I just let life happen to me instead of driving it somewhere purposeful." I know that the belief that I am a pool floaty that has been left behind the river and has been taking aimless and purposeless turns in a lost wood, is foolishness and insolent. To think that God does not take seriously the life he created and have spilled out his son's blood for is worthless and purposeless, that haphazardly come to a place of peace, of monetary security, of love from family, friends, and community, of calling to adoption, just by floating along the river. Could it be that because of the spirit of trust and complete freedom of his design, I have followed along the river that knew exactly where it was leading this floaty? Making strategic turns, veering to the left at the fork, leading into a wider pool, then dropping me down a waterfall only to lead me to a peaceful reservoir where children are playing and I meet them at the exact right time to be their instrument of pleasure.

All in all, I am thankful for the life God has chosen for me. I forgotten that I have asked him to lead my life, to guide me without my tantrums and my protest. Now that I am here, I don't realize that the floating isn't a passive resignation, an "I don't care what happens to me" post-it stuck to my back, but that I may have been obedient and open to the guiding hand of God. And because God loves me wildly and passionately, he would lead my life in a way most fit for me. Moving on from here, I wish I had been more alert, more attentive and perhaps try to give it my all instead of mourning a career or a purpose that I may or may not have had. I may never know why I was put here for such a long period of time, but I know that this may be the pool of water I should have sat on just for this season before I move on to a wider bend. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Crazy Girls's mostly true, if you're a hot girl, the crazy quotient goes across the x axis quite a bit. I don't know why it is, maybe just like Spiderman, "with great power, comes great responsibility," except with hot girls, it's "with great hotness, comes great burden." I don't know why I've been writing a lot about girls on my blog lately, maybe it's the fact that I'm a married woman and I really don't have may dating stories of recent value or dating stories I could tell of the past, because to tell the truth, I just don't have many of those either. Maybe, just maybe, I've been thinking about girls a lot because I might be matched with a little girl? Whatever the case, one of my guy friends asked me to retell all my crazy girlfriend stories to him last night like it was a bed time tale and he couldn't sleep without them. This is the same guy friend that tells me I'm a crazy b*tch magnet and I can't help that, so I might as well "Amor Fati", love my fate and accept it.

I understand to a degree because I in fact am a girl and I have my own crazies, they just don't manifest in weird ways as some girls I know. I have a theory that girls have such strong feelings and so much of it, that they just don't know what to do with all of it. When you have all of those emotions just swirling in your head, it's bound to fester and mutate into some awful monster that plan evil demise that couldn't be thwarted unless it meets it's match or she finds some poor schmuck to quiet that a little bit. On top of that, if you're hot in the least bit, you have the pressure from other girls to be down to earth and likable, or you'll be hated. Not only are you dealing with your own team, but you're constantly trying to earn the respect of men and be wanted at the same time. Keeping that balance is pretty darn tricky, and if you're not careful, you'll turn into one of those hot girls both men and women call crazy. It's a slippery slope and a thin line to cross.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Out of my league

I recently read an article about contemporary women who are too busy to date. This wouldn't be so much a problem if she makes time on the weekends and occasionally cancel that yoga class you're mastering and actually go on a date. The problem really lies at the ego of a man. When a girl is too busy, it means she might be smart, talented, mastering various hobbies and languages, and excelling at work, driven, which also means she's not approachable...and if you were to approach her, you find she's too intimidating and you just don't measure up. What's worse, she might start to think the same thing about you.

A woman in her late 20's is climbing the corporate ladder, making six figures, while volunteering at the local boys and girls club during the weekends and some weeknights. She's also learning French on off nights at the local community college and is taking yoga classes to boot!  Another woman in her 30's is an attorney who owns her own downtown pad, contributes her time and skills pro bono for battered women in the city who can't afford to hire an attorney when facing her assailant, and because she has interest in cooking, she takes a cooking class at the culinary school near her home. These  women are beautiful and happen to have a lot interests, but if you are too involved and established as a girl, you become the competition instead, or a standard that he just couldn't measure up to.

The term "out of your league" was invented by a man and here's why. There are more women who are married to or have dated men who are out of their league than women, whether that league is above or below them. For example, how many men have you seen with a woman that is far less attractive than he is? You rarely see a good looking man, say a 10 with a woman who is homely, say a 6, but adversely, there are plenty of women who are 10 physically who date men who are a 6 or even below. There's the defense, the personality, the money, the humor makes up for the lack of looks on the man's part, but what about for women? Have you ever known a man date an overweight, not-so-pretty girl, who was rich, smart, funny, cool and has a great personality? Nope, not even if she gets you like no other. I've asked several boys "would you rather have a girl who gets you, she's smart, funny, and she's cool, but she's donkey ugly, or a girl who is dumb as nails and unkind but she is HOT, 21 on a 10 scale." Most boys would say, they would choose the hot girl because at least she's dumb, and they can always hang with the boys for companionship and understanding. Besides, what can a girl add when your guy friends are already funny and cool?

In this movie "Out of My League" the 10 girl actually dates out of her league and dips into the minors because she wanted to make sure that the next guy that she dated wouldn't hurt her. I guess this is where the tables turn because she assumed a guy that isn't as good looking would be nicer, less-playboy, less likely to break her heart. He ends up breaking her heart because he believed she was too good, too hot, too nice, too successful and even too cool and down to earth. She was everything a guy would ask for a girl to be, only to be dumped for the girl treating you like he's her personal chew toy. Why? She's too perfect and in the paranoia of a girl dumping him because he may or may not measure up to her perfection, he bails on her first.

My science teacher use to say, "the prettier you are, the less dates you have." I don't know if I fully knew what that meant at the time, but I think it's true. Just look at Gwenyth Paltrow, an overwhelming amount of people hate on her because she's so perfect. Isn't there anything she can't do? We essentially have to choose either to be pretty and dumb ourselves down to the person we are with or forfeit the date. Then while you're awaiting on the evolved man who will still maintain his manhood knowing his girl is pretty, talented and may be smarter than you, you will age. Then what happens? People will start saying things like, "she's such a catch, but I wonder what's wrong with her? why isn't she dating?" So much for women empowerment in contemporary times. 

Friday, June 3, 2011


Talking to J., he inquires me about my choices in girls that I post as my girl crushes and he suggests, "why not give thicker girls some love too? I mean, sure Natalie and Kate are fine, but what about the girls who really represent the masses?" Then he suggested Beyonce, Mariah, Kate (Winslet) and the like. I see his point and these women are beautiful in their own right, but I do have a preference of my own, that's why they're called my crushes and not "notable women in the media." If that were the case I would have posted the likes of Mother Teresa, Esther from the Bible and Isabel Allende. Alas, the whole notion of girl crushes is very very shallow and it's reserved for girls I want to look like, or am envious of ...or want as a sister, listed not in any particular order but shallow in any regard.

There is a pattern however, to my choosing and there are certain types of girls I choose...Salty, and if you see the types of guys I ogle, they're salty too. Example? Jude Law, Ryan Gosling, Jame McAvoy, Topher Grace, you know, the boys that look a little sweet, big puppy eyes, but they're still smart, street smart and a little rogue. Let's compare to the ones I don't particularly gravitate towards so you know exactly what I'm talking about. Boys like Chase Crawford, who are too perfect looking and they know it, then there's boys like Robert Patterson who are too sensitive and weepy, or guys like Brody Jenner, who's just stupid. Okay, enough of the boys, I'm really here to talk about the girls I've been picking....So here are the categories most girls fit into (and this is just my amateur cataloging of girls and the feeling they give off so please don't quote me on this- It's all just silliness).

1. Brown Sugar or Caramel: These are girls that are voluptuous and they are kind of girls would show up and all the heads turn in bar because how can you ignore them? Most of these girls happen to be either black or Latina. Girls like, the fore mentioned Maria Carey and Beyonce Knowles.

2. Spicy: These girls are similar to the above, but they're sassier, less sweeter but they are more exotic and  a a little bit intimidating. Girls like Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara, Emma Stone and Halle Berry.

3. Sweet: These girls are ones you find in most homes all over America. The sweet, the cute... you know million girls like these! Girls like, Jessica Simpson, Zoe Duchnel, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston, Lauren Conrad, Katie Holmes, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, need I go on?

4. Salty: The salty girls are Kate Moss, Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, and Diane Kruger.

Girls I choose don't necessary have to make a huge statement as you meet them. Sure its not easy to ignore them either, but they will quietly be who they are and that's exactly where their strengths lie. Not in being the go-getter-brown-noser at your boss' Christmas party or be the bubbly, bouncy, boo-a-licious girl at that house party. She's a little bit edgy and not quite sweet in a way she wants to earn your reward and a gold star for being a nice girl. She's kind because more than she's beautiful on the outside, she's beautiful in the inside, because kindness is a virtue. For being smart, for having other interests other than the reflection in the mirror or championing a cause that is bigger than all of us and benefits the masses instead of just your own. So this describes Mother Teresa so far, but I wouldn't call her salty. A salty girl is a bit unabashed, confident, unapologetic and walks to the beat of her own DJ and yes, a little bit rogue...I guess that still describes Mother Teresa...


The kind of girl that can throw on an old faded t-shirt and some cut off shorts and look decent, sexy, smart and confident all at the same time, but when she dresses up, the dress isn't wearing her, she's wearing the dress. She's still the main event.

Girl Crush Friday ~ Amber Vallett

This is Amber (37) Allegra Cole :) Yes, the Allegra we were going to name our child first child after, but we decided that there were too many of those Allegra commercials, where they urge you to discover Fast, non-drowsy allergy relief. Plus my brother says it sounds like a swarthy girl's name, you know the kind of girl that has side burns and a mustache at the age of 7? But this isn't really about a little girl that may or may not be my baby, I might be matched with a little boy! (and no we're not naming him Allegro, it doesn't quite work that way does it?!) Amber started out as a model at the age of 15, and began acting in movies like Hitch. I really fell in love with her freckles and how she seems stone cold, but she's breaks into a warm sunny smile that is of  a girl nextdoor.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


If I were to make a video of my last entry, I think this is it.

Lilly Allen "22"

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she's nearly 30 now and she's out every night
I see that look in her face, she's got that look in her eye
She's thinking how did I get here and wondering why

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
'Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

She's got an alright job but it's not a career
Whenever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears
'Cause all she wants is a boyfriend, she gets one night stands
She's thinking how did I get here, I'm doing all that I can

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
'Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
'Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

Girls in their 20's (Roll eyes)

I have to write a disclaimer right up to bat because some of my closest, bestest and dearest girlfriends are in their young twenties and they are more mature and more graceful than any of my girlfriends in their 30's would ever become. Even in their 40's! I'm not writing this post because I feel jealous or jaded or even offended that she cringed and said "ew" at the age bracket I belong to (ok maybe a little), but really I just want to express how some girls in their twenties do lack fore sight. I also am writing this as a huge generalization and there has been a whole lotta none-sense expressed by numerous girls in their 20's. What triggered this entry of tirade (which have only been running inside my head) is this post.  Ah, yes a girl in her late twenties lamenting, "I'm old and I don't have a boyfriend." Well, no, if you had a boyfriend, you wouldn't say that you're old and you're only saying and feeling like you are old because you're afraid that you are facing a life sentence of spinsterhood. What makes you feel "old" is that you think you have hit your prime in your twenties and I consider that utterly sad and foolish because when you are in your 20's are still becoming...You have just graduated college, still green behind the ears and only learning how to get along in the real world.

You are also feeling like you are "old" and "ew I'm almost thirty"is because you consider your fresh faced, bouncy shiny hair and taut ass your biggest asset and from here on, there is nothing of value that will be added on to you in the years to come, like.... say confidence for example, love and kindness, selflessness...just to name a few. Because when you've turned 30, all you have to look forward is taking away of those "good" attributes like the fore-mentioned fresh face, bouncy hair and the license to say that you are actually TWENTY-something and not lie about it (not...that I have...nope. never.)

When I was "your age" I could not wait to turn 30. Why? When I day dreamed of myself 30 years old, I saw someone beautiful, wise, confident, not use words like "um," "like,"  "sooooo" and "ohmygoshyouguys!" to start a sentence and taller. Well, none of those things actually happened when I turned 30, but I do have a deep sense of gratitude for life, humility and not because I've become less young and cute, but because you see things over the decade of your twenties. Your twenties are a long decade and so much happens to you in those 10 years. You turn 21, legally drinking, graduate college, you finally stop shopping at gap kids, find a home for yourself, get your first job, maybe find your second one (something more serious, something closer to your dreams), you may find your husband, some have babies, all before you turn, ew, thirty. I hope when I'm done with this decade, I'd look back and see that there was a lot of growth in my thirties too (because everyone knows I still act like a teenager).

Even when I think about the friends I have who are on the brink of losing their 20's to father time, it is ridiculous how they think about walking through that door and coming out the other side as "old." Youth really is wasted on the young, when you think that girls that still have their youth squander it on getting what they want, using their beauty for their own sake and focusing so much on the exterior, once women become 30, they are still only girls, except it's ugly because they have not cultivated enough character and substance in their 20's to be a woman who isn't banking all their worth on how they look on a Friday night, who doesn't feel entitled to the luxuries of life without a little hard work and their whole livelihood isn't hinged on a boy that can make or break their spirit, and not realizing there is a whole world full of people who are dying without a cup of clean water to drink. If you would shake your head to this 20 year old, it's despicable when it's a 30 year old.  You're thinking right now, "ok yeah, I'll just stop doing that when I'm 30," stop right there. No you won't, because a young fool becomes an old fool unless you make every effort to live a life worth watching. I'd hate to dismiss girls in their 20's and say, they're young...what do you expect?

I guess this post should be titled "Girl's in their 20's who turn into girl's in their 30's (roll eyes)"

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Prayer for friends.

You restore all things and reconcile all things. Knit our hearts and lives together. I love them and I think about them always...they linger like a fragrance in the air. Although the pungency has faded, it's been seeped into my skin, my hair, my clothing. I cannot wash them out no matter my tricks, antics and  protest. My old ways of protection, repellent against such saturation is of no avail. I have succumbed to their hearts demands and even if their demands have died quiet or to dead silence, I want to play them my heart's sonnet all the days of my life. Amen.