Monday, April 26, 2010

Desert storms....

Lately, I feel a general blah, that I can't shake. I don't want to do anything, but I don't want to do nothing either...Fun, boring and otherwise, I can't find a happy, content place that I can coast on for a while until the next best thing, or at least until I snap out of it. My heart feels dry and difficult to arise, and for someone who has been through a rough year, it's curious that I can't muster up any emotion for anything or anyone, not even the welcomed release of learning and growing.

People like us, who are reliant on the heart strings to alert of us our feelings and feelings of others need to be reminded of the Truth more frequently. Our hearts talk too much and although this keen intuition can tell us of things unseen by others and realize things not typically known, it has it's downfalls. It lies. I had a conversation with a friend, who is in the same place as I am. Feeling dry and without hope, we resigned to saying that maybe being jaded is our fate. And we asked questions like, Is this what being an adult is? And is this permanent or reversible? I feels like it's not.

It's the 90th day of reading the One Year Bible, and I can tell because I was reading Psalm 90. I was thinking how dry the Words has been, and the ridiculous stories of Israelites fighting foreign Kings like Elgon who was so fat, Ehud had to leave his knife inside of him because it wouldn't come out of his thick fat layers. I imagined myself throwing the Bible across the room while reading David complain about his enemies who mock him for the 90th day in a row. I didn't though, I read through the books, the chapters, the verses, and in reading the stories, I can see that God didn't leave these superfluous stories in here because he had a quota of how many pages the Bible had to be.

I see that God's sent Israelites leaders, judges, prophets and Kings to guide, discipline, rescue and ultimately, God's anger subsided when His children called to him. Is it not appropriate that the Chosen people wandered in the desert for 40 years, where it was dry and all they did was wander, just as I'm walking the deserts too? He sent food, water, and even adventure to those who prayed to him (more like complained to him, most of the 40 years they were out there) and just like that, he would send food and water to my soul if I complain to him too. Even when I am not chased by arrows, the enemies mocking or any other suffering, I may be under attack by the dryness of my heart. Many times have I been dry, but none of those times did I consider asking for God's provision. When I'm in pain, yes, when I am weak, yes, scared, for sure, but not when I feel dry because it feels so benign.

Today, while I felt dry and blah, I looked up Mark 9:24 "...I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief" partially for the friend I was chatting with, but mostly for me. We have to believe that God will restore and that we are called to live a life to the fullest and in full maturity. And when God talks about maturity, it's not like our blah, jaded one, but it's vitality, creativity, curiosity, humor, etc. and when we get there, in the green and lushness of harvest, I will seek him just the same. Amen.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Celebrating in Limbo...

Last night was a Tuesday night and I came home early and took out all the yummy foods we had in the fridge. There was no theme, it was cheese, left over tofu stir fry, cantaloupe, hummus, salmon, and cucumbers. After we were done eating dinner, we watched Glee and watched a movie while sipping a some Champagne we had keep for a special occasion. That special occasion, special enough to pop open Champagne never came obviously, so we popped it last night and broke open a tub of peanut butter cups from Traitor Joe's (and had too many). Today, for lunch I met Hans for a Sushi lunch in the middle of the day and walked over to Japanese bakery and purchases a coffee cream filled pastry. We ate it standing up at a Korean video store, looking at all the movie posters on the wall. For some reason, this was perfect in all sense.

This post was originally titled "Limbo," which I typed in the Title box this morning and saved it until I was in the mood for that kind of "Limbo" writing to finish. I even down loaded a picture depicting "Limbo" from Dante's Divine Comedy, but that mood never came. Limbo is the place you go after life, but it's neither hell nor paradise. It's reflective of how you lived while alive, stewarding your life in such a way, you neither lived it to the full or destroyed it in all entirety. That lukewarm living is despicable even to us mortals because you have resigned out of a life given. So you wait to die, imprisoned by lukewarm nothings.

I think the idea came from the place I'm in and the movie I watched last night. This constant waiting, waiting for things to happen to us, marriage, job, baby, vacation, death, birth, anything! The movie "Up In the Air" is about such a man, who lives in the margins of a life of traveling 265 days a year. He's constantly up in the air and never home. Although he's happiest there, he finds that he's been missing out on his sisters' lives and the life he could have had with someone, any someone. I understand him and the life he lives, and if it were not God's provision, I think I could have been living that transatlantic life and never landing home. I did live it for a while, and in between the constant moving, we got to know a few people and got a peek into what sharing a life with people really meant.

If I had watched this movie a year ago, I may have tried to move again....over seas and felt as though I was slowly dying in the waiting room of life. Because if change and movement doesn't happen naturally, you make it happen by moving literally. Limbo in between moves, as if the moving was the "real" life and the period in between were just intermissions until the next big change. I still feel a little bit of that because old habits or paradigms are hard to kill, but I've been waking to what real living is. It's the girls' weekend, where we dress up in the cute sequined skirt to dinner even though it's too cold out, it's receiving funny texts from friends afar and laughing aloud, it's eating pastries standing up at a Korean grocery store and looking at movie posters...I
think I'm starting to get now...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

Today, there's this overwhelming number of girls who feel insecure and not themselves. It's perplexing to see some of my friends who are established in their jobs, beautiful inside and out, talented, funny and over all great, to think they are less than what we see on the outside. What a difference there is between the person we see inside of our heads and the person we really are or what others see. All three of those things could be so stark in contrast to one another. For some odd reason, this morning as I was driving to work, before anyone or anything had gotten a hold of me, I began thinking about the time one of my girlfriends asked me, "Susie, what could you be insecure about?" And I said to her surprised, "plenty!" It seemed strange to her that I had even a single thing that I thought was shameful enough to hide and could not guess my insecurity. This is how I think of my friends who believe lies someone told them along the way.

Blessings and Curses have been spoken to us along the way and some are directed us so our ears can hear, and some are spoken to us in whispers, but deposited in our souls none the less. I have also been the one to bless and curse my sisters, sometimes in secret and sometimes not. I am also the one who have received blessings and curses and more often than not, believed the curses more readily than a blessing that pursues restoration in a person. I have to repent and confess that I have not always been the life spring of blessings and my tongue has produced such wickedness, Marilyn Manson would blush. I want to speak into people what's real and not flattery or falseness, to lift up and not break down.

I would like this to be true of me when I have physical daughters of my own and hope they will believe in what the Word says they are instead of the standards of the world. A childhood friend of mine is a genius and not only is she smart, she also is beautiful and talented. She is kind as well as a little dirty when she tells jokes and she runs like a gazelle. There is nothing she lacks and she's perfect the way she is, but I was surprised to hear that her husband wouldn't let her look through fashion magazines because she was feeling insecure about herself. As long as I've known her I never thought this would be something she would believe about herself, that she was not as good as the girls on those glossy pages. This may sounds like a speech for a beauty pageant, and this may have been what I would have said if I ever were a beauty queen: I dream of a world where brothers and sisters speak true of each other, encouraging the good without flattery so that they may grow into the being they were created to be, never shaken by falsehood because they will know the truth. Then, there will be no hiding, protecting, lying or rejection. Just you and just me. Thank you.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Prov 18:21

Friday, April 16, 2010

Fast or Famine Day Five (last day)

Today, I'm not brimming over with anything to share. No feelings, opinions, or even a piece of commentary on how small and degenerate Kim Il Sung is for starving his own people, while he looks like he can be a contestant on Celebrity Fit Club on MTV. (actually...there you go!) Yes, I still do feel hungry, but serene and it was unusually quiet at our Omega table last night and I attribute this to the fact that most of us were humbled in our hunger. I get this overwhelming sense that all us learned more than we thought we would this week. All of us have one time or another thought that we would quit this fast before day five, but none of us did. I think the participants of Fast or Famine developed an understanding between us because when we see each other, we don't go into details of what we're experiencing, rather exchange only a nod and a short of what we've been thinking about this week.

We may further discover what God's putting on our hearts, far past the date of breaking fast...

If you would like to learn more about Crossing Borders and or make a contribution, please visit our website.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fast or Famine Day Four

I think I would have been the weakest link, the one that would wake up in the middle of the night to steal from the family pantry if I were a NK. I would be the worse kind, the desperate one. There is only one more day of this and I am Scott free, to never be hungry again and never do another fast if I so desire. I can see now that I can't despise NKs for eating their young or to judge them for forfeiting their soul and morale for a bite to eat. I understand it now, its a fight for your life or theirs and the family unit no longer becomes priority. You can only feel sympathy for your kin for so long. I can never again utter "they're monsters, I would never do such a thing, I would rather die before I would ever consider eating my own." Your own dying body tells, no, shouts something else, it betrays you and overwhelms your morals and your standards. All this realized after merely 3 full days of limited food intake, I've not skipped a meal. While rereading some of the articles I callously read in the past of the NK famine in the late 1990's I have new eyes for words like Pain, suffering and starvation. Not because I fully realize what those words mean in my own life, but even knowing a mere sliver of it makes me fear the full weight of NK suffering.

Day four and "hungry" is not something you get use to or adjust to. Apathy sets over you, because all you're trying to do is fight the fatigue for preservation of your own life. I noticed that I was getting increasingly irritable and it's not the comedic picture of an SNL skit where a school girl is starved for french fries, but anger, a lashing out because someone else is demanding energy that you can't afford to expend. Every minute is a fight whether to keep going with this fast or just forget the whole thing because I've learned enough. But I really haven't, every day I endure, I learn or realize something new. Hungry isn't simple as just the empty feeling in your belly, but it comes with feeling physically cold, sleepy, apathetic, confused and emotionally tired, vulnerable, irritable, and, heartbreak.

I was chatting with a girlfriend who is participating in this fast and she was expressing how she wants to give her baby everything that's good for her, chicken, broccoli, salmon, and that NK mother's would want the same for their babies, but can't even feed them a bowl of rice. I once fed a premature child a bottle and he wouldn't suck even though he was only skin and bones. It broke my heart to see him so thin and I felt a sense of urgency for him. I was pleading with this tiny child to eat and I wasn't even his mother. Hans is even heart broken over how much weight I've lost already and is begging me to start eating again because he can't bare to see me like this. How much more wounded and broken is the North Korean mother who watch their children waste away daily?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Fast or Famine Day Three

I woke up this morning a little different."Starving" and couldn't wait to eat breakfast. After I finished the portion of food I allotted for breakfast, I was surprisingly full. Not the kind of full where you wish you hadn't worn your skinny pants to dinner, but I was satiated and thankful. This might be appalling to some of you, but I think my stomach is shrinking because I'm actually getting use to this portion. Although, I am feeling extra weak today and making lots of spelling mistakes and typos. I'm having a difficult time making sense today, and none of my sentences relevant to the ones before. Sleepiness is also a sign of deprivation, it's a way your body is shutting down to preserve your energy for more important things like lung and heart function. Not that I'm in any danger of dying of starvation, but I think my body is beginning to weaken even more. I can see how starvation and deprivation is the perfect sedative to keep the people quiet, docile and cooperative, when you are trying to keep dominion over them.

Have you ever given an older Korean relative the side ways glance as they scrape their bowl with a spoon to get the very last grain of rice and then proceed to add water to it, swish it around and drink it like a shot of Patron? I have. I never understood why leaving a couple pieces of rice in your bowl was so wasteful. They would say in Korean "sahk sahk guhl guh muh guh" which translates roughly to "scrape it up and eat it." I understand now what that is, it's war mentality, a mentality of cherishing every bit of what is given to you because you know what it was to go without. We, the entitled only experience war as something of a video game, combating remotely and we ourselves only hear about it on TV, like it's some new reality show. I finally see why my grandmother had never left a grain in her bowl, only now as we fast a week I salvage every morsel. I realize the few pieces of rice that fall off my meager plate is precious and I pick up the pieces and add it back to the small pile I call lunch.

I'm actually having a small panic attack because today, right now, I don't know if I can do this any longer. Maybe this experience of panic is the fuel for prayers for my brothers and sisters in hungry you must be, emotionally, physically, spiritually...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fast or Famine Day Two

Breakfast time has been good thus far, and today, there is a lightness in my body and a clarity. I don't feel the hunger I so felt last night while watching Anthony Bourdain explore Main country and the best they offer in cuisine. I'm not sure why we were watching a food show while fasting...I couldn't stop telling Hans how hungry I was and I hate to complain about things like this, but I just couldn't help but to let those words slip out. Like that would alleviate some of the pangs I felt. It didn't. I took a mental inventory of all the foods I would have loved to consume at that very moment: a peanut butter cup, potato chips with cheesy dip, hamburger, hot dogs, a pizza and surprisingly I even wanted a doughnut. I was obviously hungry considering I would never dream of eating such foods because I'm above all that. :p

Then I began to think that it is such a luxury to eat healthy. We should eat healthy, everyone should, but there is definitely a tinge of neurotic control or a discipline aspect of working out and eating only organic free range chicken eggs and grass fed cows. I see the value in that, but I'm also beginning to see how frivolous that can seem to an NK who are eating their young because they're body is turning on them and you lose your mind over it. Each meal time has become an important ritual, punctuating a time of preserving your body...rice never tasted so good. I regret ever saying things like, "eating is such a hassle! can we not eat three times a day?" or simply, "I wish I didn't have to eat." Those comments come from a mouth of an entitled person, not thankful of what we have. I am thankful for God's mercy on me that I have food to eat three times a day, and in between...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Fast or Famine Day One

Breakfast was ok, waking up this morning, I kind of welcomed the cleansing I will go through for the next 5 days. You know when you eat so much you say things like, "I don't want to think about eating for the next 5 days."? Well, that's how I feel today. I woke up to make the five cups of rice allotted for this week and divided them up into small Tupperwares to keep in the refrigerator. I also made steamed sesame leaves as the greens that NKs would have grown in their yard if they were bountiful that year of harvest. At times they can grow a few small potatoes, but that would have been a treat. And because I'm weak and I can't imagine myself eating a half cup of rice for each meal, I prepared a small potatoes to eat, but I ate them all in one day and it's only day one. I feel physically weak and my head is spinning. I took the day off to finish my Adoption parenting course online, but had a difficult time focusing and reading the questions, let alone answer them with clarity. I hope they don't fail me.

While watching TV in the evening, Hans and I noticed how many commercials are dedicated to food and how many shows there are just about eating different kinds of foods around the world. We decided that this was food porn, especially in our state. It made me think about how the NKs would be amazed at how much time and energy we dedicate to food. Some of us dedicate our whole lives to cooking food, tasting food, judging food and talking about food. While the rest of us eat all that they cook and plan a way to lost all the weight we've gained from consuming all that food. whew!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fast or Famine with Crossing Borders

In the west it is hard to imagine just how debilitating a food shortage can be to a country. Food is so readily available in the west that some of the biggest health problems come from overeating (heart disease, diabetes).

To put ourselves in the shoes of those who are still suffering from lack of food, Crossing Borders is starting a program called “Fast or Famine,” where for five days participants will eat the current North Korean food ration.

North Korea is not suffering famine-like conditions currently, however food is still a major issue. If there is a bad crop year the whole country feels it. The country still relies heavily upon imports of rice from other countries. In 2009 China reported a 40 percent drop in crop production and they were not able to export to their neighbor, North Korea.

Each person who agrees to participate will be given a small bag of rice as a ration for the week. To supplement their diet, one can eat a small amount of leafy greens with each meal. Though this portion may seem small, the ration is what the government tries to give. Most people receive less.

The fast is from April 12-16. Participants will be encouraged to email journal entries about how the fast is affecting them. We will post some of the journal entries on our website. Crossing Borders will accept donations on what participants would have spent on groceries during the five days. If you would like to participate in the future, just let me know!

I will be posting some thought I have while on this fast and it's not to say "look at me I'm altruistic" but I think I will see a sliver of what the NK's live though as their life, and not a fast that will end in one week. This hell ends for us in five days, but this is their reality.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I wish I never met you

Sometimes I get into this mode of panic unlike myself when I think about the people that I really love in my life. Sometimes, I wanna say, "I wish I never met you" because if I had never met you, I wouldn't know the fear of potential fall outs, break ups, and disappointment. I think that I get into these ridiculous bouts of frenzy when I think that I miss someone too much or love them so much that I can't handle the intensity. Much to my chagrin that we cannot spend more time together, you will never see fully who I am, long distance will eventually cause us to drift, like we are now and finally, we will just forget one another. That makes me utterly sad and I wish I never met you.

This is me thinking about how I think I was born too late or too early for someone and while we never think about age or the life stage when we're together, in the end and unspoken, it makes a difference. Soon, we'll both progress into the next stage our lives which will further divide us and this makes me feel the loss that is not yet a reality, but makes me think that I would never know this loss, if I never have met you. Some say that it is better to have loved than never loved at all, but is it true? What of us after the fact? what do we gain but the once vivid memory of us fading into a wistful sigh? I wish I never met you.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Decisions according to reality

The last couple of days, I've been chatting up with girlfriends and for some odd reason, I've been compared to girls from the TV show made into a Movie, Sex and The City. H says I'm like Carrie in that I have these conversations with people or wonder about certain things and it's a blog just waiting to combust into an actual entry on A Shin Dig. Another says I'm like Carrie because I'm that girl, kind of stuck in a life stage along with all of its implications; having a baby, settling down and becoming a real live adult, but all those things not yet happening like a "normal" person my age. Meanwhile, I attend weddings, wedding showers, baby showers, visiting the hospital for births, baby birthdays and buying gifts for all of these ceremonial occasions without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for "my turn". Can I register for a new pair of Manolos for being a DINK (Dual Income No Kids)? Why can't we celebrate that more often? Because it's selfish...and we don't consider our children an extension of ourselves and when we get gifts for them, it's not really a gift for ourselves.... (No, I'm not being sarcastic... :p). I was beginning to think that maybe I would play Carrie if I were to play a role in the movie. I am after all, not living out the life stage I'm "suppose to" while celebrating my friends who are.

Then, came Charlotte. My husband isn't the most verbal person and he may not be able to tell me exactly how he feels at times, but he knows me. He says to me, "you know, you really are Charlotte." At first reaction, I gave him a nose wrinkle, a disgruntled expression to show I don't agree, but I guess we have those commonalities; Perceived as a princess with a charmed life, slightly naive, she's a runner, had trouble getting pregnant, then got pregnant, then had a miscarriage, adopted a little girl, and she even a husband that was the unlikely candidate who turned out to be perfect for her, instead of staying with the resume perfect husband who she dreamt she would be with as a little girl. Charlotte at one stance says things so deep and has a strong sense of right and wrong, but in other instances says things like, "Is my hair too shiny today?" I can totally relate to that...there's a reason why some of my friends call me Jessica (Simpson).

One thing though, I would like to imitate more of Charlotte is her sense of clarity in her circumstances. She is essentially a little girl, only aged in chronological age, has a strong sense of dream, perfectionism, and idealism, which lends itself to her naive notions of the world but also benefits her by giving her the ability to be resolute in what she believes. My friend J points out that she makes all of her decisions according to her reality. Which is almost uncharacteristic of an idealist, a dreamer. At times...ok, most times, we dreamers are in our heads so much, we can't tell between what the present reality is and the ideal situation that would be, that might be. However, I want to make one thing clear in my life, to make choices and decisions according to what's real right at the moment, rather than all the if's of the future. I've made certain decisions according to what might happen, like preparing for this child that never came. Choosing to stay in the suburbs when we've always talked about living in the city, choosing not to go through with my masters, all to prepare myself for this child that could show up at any moment. Cutting off certain relationships because I assumed they would betray me in the end. We can never predict the future, but we can see the situation at hand and make the most of it. I'm not saying you should never plan or prepare or even dream, but sometimes, one must decide according to her reality.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Abandoning life as "Cyborg"

There was a time I avoided all those I felt made me weak. Whether it be a character flaw or a feeling, a thought that made me feel imperfect, I would mull over it to figure out a way I can be rid of it. I've even dismissed people who made feel less, even though they had no intention of doing so, in my head they did, so off with their head! All this to make me above reproach and secure in the person I was becoming. Although my dad was verbally encouraging and affectionate, comments like, " you're already so pretty and talented, you would be perfect if you did this.....I'm proud of you though," made me feel as though perfection is something that I was suppose to be working on all the time. Achieve perfection.

When rain comes, I try not to cry and stay strong and especially when that rain turns into storms, I make sure I have a good mantra to go with my stiff upper lip. Just like how I said, "we live in a fallen world, how can I expect to be exempt from things like fertility issues and miscarriages? I accept whatever God allows in my life." Although this is true, I never allow myself to be weak just for a little bit while I to mourn over the things lost and broken. No one would blame me, except myself. Until recently, I rarely let people other than my close family and friends see me shed tears (if I could help it). When I did let people see the "weaker" broken side of me, there was an overwhelming sense of empathy because they can relate to a human being who cries, instead of a cyborg.

Between being the carefree teenage girl of yester-years and today, I became .... well, serious. Second guessing myself, taking myself too seriously, getting nervous around people. I don't know what happened to that girl that would suddenly break out in song at any minute of day. I use to be bubbly, cheery, and people even called me ditsy (ok, people still might call me that). I use to tell a killer story, with comedic timing, gestures, a song and dance, just to make my friends laugh. I don't want to be cyborg any more...what's being "perfect" when I was perfect (in my own way) before I started trying to not have any weaknesses. Let them make fun of me, let them take advantage and snicker, I will become God's best best version of me. (That's not a title of a cheesey "I like me" children's book, but it's a cheesey title of a book written by John Orterg - read it. Full title is: The Me I Want To Be: Becoing God's best version of you).

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me 2 Corinthians 12:9

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Joy is a Child

One thing that made me worry the most about the hard year I had in 2009 was the joy I would lose. The person I would lose in myself of being bubbly, rarely embarrassed, laugh easily and free spirited. There's a common antidote to the hardships we go through, to tell ourselves that it builds character, makes us mature and what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. I agree in part, but I disagree that hardship makes us adults and the refined, reserved, calm exterior is the fruits of that maturity. I think of use in part don't go jumping in the water puddle when it rains is because we as adults know the consequences of such behavior. We have to wash and dry our close and by experience, that doesn't magically happen for most of us, we have to do the washing and drying ourselves. We also fear that other "mature" human beings will scoff at us while looking down their noses to say that we should have grown out of such childish behavior while we were 5 years old.

I think that joy is let out of us and childlike behavior is squashed when a series of unfortunate and hurtful events happen in the course of our lives. Children are joyful and carefree, free spirited because they haven't seen. At least not yet. I hope that no matter what I see in my life, whatever hardship or suffering I endure, joy will not be let out of me and what childish behavior in the eyes of the "mature" will not be curbed and I will not succumb to the shame they dispense. PD had said on Sunday that Joy is a Child, because what man or woman who has joy can keep it a secret or hoard it? Joy is something that is instantly released, readily available to every opportunity for laughing, dancing, singing and generally, having fun!

In a related topic, I had a conversation with H who had pointed out that it's difficult to make close friends post college. When you are, again, "mature." We say to ourselves, I will preserve my energy, emotions and have limited spots available for those who qualify for friend-candidacy. "Who do I want to INVEST in?" It's as to say that we have only a limited amount emotion or love and we need to be savvy about where to invest the limited resources to receive the greatest return. So when we are asked "how are you?" it's difficult to open up and tell people how you've really been because once you used your energy to tell this person your story, you start to run low on your story count, or energy level, or emotional points. Not to say that I'm totally above this, it is by the account of series of bad experiences that makes me stand offish and put up the wall of reservation. But it's not because I'm collected, cool and refined, it's fear that closes me up.

What if we were like children? To share, dare I say carelessly? Have you been in a first grade classroom? Every hand up is a story, not the right answer to the math question you just asked. It's "oo! oo! I have a story to tell! I want to share!"

Monday, April 5, 2010

All is Fair in Love and War

how can you be smart
when its love?
how can you win when its heart...
when it's yours and it's mine?
who can win?

to manuver, plot and plan our moves
to conjur up, fashion and practice our words
what can we do to win?
does anyone win when its either you losing me
or me losing you?

you are embarrassed or I am

we just have to trust each other, you and i
allow, to give a chance to reject, or to accept
when we protect ourselves and our pride, who can love us?

its egoism, self preservation, pride, self importance
perhaps we call it "i never want to hurt again"
perhaps just a series of bad events
perhaps, it's "i only want to know love and safety"

what war can we wage against us that we can win at love

the irony
the facade we put on keeps us from what we long for most
but when people grow together, it's hard.

relating is hard
staying honest is hard
being myself is hard
risking is hard

but we must make a decision to risk it all
let me reach for your hand, and hope you'll take mine