Friday, February 26, 2010


It's difficult to be free, like I set to be in the beginning of the year. In a way, when I uttered those words into the air, someone overheard and make it even more difficult for me to be free. Beginning from the things I need to check off of my to do lists to the issues that are arising with friends and family, and there's nothing much I can do to be free from those obligations. When I uttered those words, when the notion of being free wasn't really meant for my circumstances and life happenstances, but really the attitude of the condition of my heart. It's difficult to bail out someone from jail, it's costly, even if they were not able to be bailed out by the way of money, you have to do time. After a long period of time institutionalized by the governmental authorities, it's difficult to emerge from that and reorient yourself back with civilized society. You forget how to conduct yourself and what to do with your life, your time, what to eat? when to go to bed, things you learned to do as an young adult.

It's like Shaw shank Redemption, when there are convicts that come out of jail after a long stint and they have been forgotten by the outside world and you become lonely and isolated. The norm as you know prison to be, is no longer and there are unspoken rules and spoken rules that have become completely foreign to you. There are ex-convicts that cannot successfully in a sense be reborn into this world and they commit suicide or in most cases, commit a crime just so they can go back "home." In essence, a prisoner is not a prisoner as long as there is the institution, the steal bars, the locked doors and the prison guards, but to be a prisoner is a state of being.

Just like the menace of society are trained over the years to forget the freedoms and the ways of the outside world, we often forget what it is to be free in just knowing that you are loved by Christ and to be completely free from the chains we have grown accustomed to. The chains of standards, perfectionism, insecurity and fear. We forget what it is to walk through the valley of death without our own small shield and poker, in case there was an occasion to protect ourselves. What can we do on our own that can completely protect us? Nothing. But somehow, the irrational ways we preserve ourselves cannot be easily undone because that's the way we've been trained.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Open receptacle

I've learned lately that I've been an open receptacle for all and anything that would enter my consciousness. I have this ability to be and say exactly what you want and I can also feel your pain and happiness while doing it. I'm not faking my emotions of sympathy for another, but I believe it's mine. When I do, I feel a bit confused into thinking that I own that pain of yours and it leaves my a mark on my soul from the searing.

I learned that I have to stop relying on this old heart of mine and feeling so much all the time. It's sensitive and intuitive, sometimes being able to predict the sex of the soul living inside a mother's womb. It's all mystical to you I know and I can be called a hippie, a space cadet, but only because we're American and we herald the logical and the cerebral. However, despite my strengths in being sensitive to the human soul, I have to acknowledge that sometimes, our hearts lie to us. It feels things that the world impresses on us, it reacts to the people that are negative, the overly explicit, the sin, the fallen state, and become hopeless. I learned that we have to speak Truth to it, always reminding it and putting into it hope, love, the difference between right and wrong, because it's easily swayed.

We are not just an open receptacle for garbage of this world, but a clay jar for us to be filled with the things of God every day, so that we can be emptied again. Pouring out to the people we love.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Soupy mess

I'm trying so hard lately to read the Bible, pay attention in leadership class and journal as much as I can, being as earnest and as serious as I can to grow, to change and to have some kind of break though in my stagnant and fruitless life. It's eating at a buffet and shoveling food into your mouth so desperately to fill your stomach, but you don't taste any of the food, and you don't even know if you're eating the right kinds of food. You just shovel it all in. I can't tell what's what and I can't pin point practical ways of really applying what I've been learning. It's like a big vat of soup, a mess of mush. It's the same I guess with how I've been feeling lately about who I am and feeling like a formless block of marble. I wake up every morning like a new slab ready to be chiseled out of it a form, to be written on, drawn on and I don't know if that is the best way to go about the day or your life. Anything could be made out of the block of marble a beast, a clown, a friend, or foe, and all are invited to give it their all to make it anything that fits their fancy.

I sometimes feel like the android T-1000 from the movie The Terminator 2. He's an android that has the power to change his own figure into anyone and anything and over the course of the two hours of the movie, he's chasing down John and Sarah Conner and uses his form to trick and manipulate his way into capturing and destroying these two. At the end of the movie, he's thrown into the a firey lava death by T - 800 (Arnold Schwarzennegger's character) and he begins to change into all the various faces morphed into while scheming the death of the Conners. Will I end up like that in the end? That android who had no face of his own, only a mailable personality and form to trick others into thinking he's some one different than he really was? I hope'd think one would know themselves at the age of ... well, of that age.

Verbal outlet Feb 5.2010

So...I went to Omega last night and I had such a conviction to continue to read the bible and pray, and really just seek out God. To be close to him be connect to him again. I had a melt down during out last 30 minute discussion..and I'm beginning to think that I just need to talk to Hans, need a mentor and really just sort out my feelings. PD says that everyday, I'm starting over with knowing who I am. Everyday I wake up and I'm a clean slate and a block of formless wood and waiting for others to carve out of me what they thing they should. To write on my slate, what I am to them, but I really should remember that "even though I don't have a mirror, I still have a face." Yes, I know I do and I know that I am something...but I was just too selfish to see that what I really wanted was my personality, the character of Susie to be showcased and described so that i know what I'm achieving. The reason why I don't know who I am everyday is because I don't know who I will encounter on a day to day basis. I am such a good chameleon and changeling that I don't forgot who I am and what I'm becoming. The emotions I feel, it comes from what you feed me, what you made me feel. So at the end of the day, I don't know...

I had a good analogy to this last night...but I forgot it...Darn it, I need to write this stuff down.