Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Waiting Room

It's the middle of the month and I haven't had one urge to blog. Partially because I think I'm hearing a lot from God, learning from my friends and trying not to listen to my ever talkative heart, which churns and churns to make lies of some things. I believe them too. In my exhaustion today, I think I finally see why I've been trying to avoid writing an entry. I don't want to revert back to the old me who started this blog just to complain (maybe not really the reason, but it sure did turn out that way). There is a fine line between being honest and sharing my struggles as an example of struggles fought, perseverance stretched and victory won and glory be to God, and being a complete whiner. But I have decided that listening to my heart is not all together bad, but I just can't believe her all the time and it needs to be talked TO. I have been speaking to it from the Words of God and John Ortberg and I find myself in a good state of contentment, or maybe just a holding pattern? I have a tendency to go one way or another and now that I'm only talking AT my heart and not letting it do any talking, I might be stifling it. After all, it doesn't have bad things to say all the time.
So. Here's what I hear it saying as of late.

Waiting is hard. It's like that luke warm bath, no, worse yet, it's that luke warm wading pool for little kids that only go up to your shins and most likely there is more urine in that pool than H2O. It only adds to the sweat that is condensing on your forehead and the nape of your neck, and some how it's suffocating you even though only your ankles are submerged, until you jump out and watch the kid you're babysitting from your lawn chair. It seems cooler for some reason to be in the beating sun with the hot and melty plastic under you. Anything is better than that luke warm water. This is what waiting is like, purgatory, not evil, not good, not with God, not with Satan, not hot, not cold, and you're even waiting for calamity to hit your life so that at least something is happening to you. So, what are you waiting for heart? Growth? baby? KCC? Impeding doom of parents moving away? impeding doom of losing your brother to his wife? Goodness, me being me...All of it I guess. It's hard to wait, no matter what it is you're waiting for.

This is me giving into the thing that my heart has been telling me. I did know this, feel this and I was planning to verbalize it and in the ME that I want to be, I wrote THIS about feelings about Limbo. However, ignoring it won't do, how I do I remedy what my heart says is the problem?