Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Often times Hans will ascribe various songs to me says that it's "us" or it's "you". He tells me he sees me in certain lights through songs he hears. But this one, I think might be what describes us and I always request this song to be played. "Hansy, can you play that Jupiter song?" because I feel, whoever wrote this song must've know a girl just like me and understood her, then rebuked her. He appreciates who she is, but says to her, after that trip to the moon, didn't you miss your friends, fried chicken, soy latte, and me? The things that really matter, instead of the imaginary life you live in inside your head? "come back down to earth" he says, this is where you're really brave, where you really have your adventures, and not on "Jupiter" or on the "Moon."
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you're wrong?
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had, and me? -Train
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Away at a retreat, I thumbed through a journal that the owners of the rented house had left for guests to write about the wonderful time they had in their get away cottage. While leafing through the pages, I came across a journal entry titled "20 years and counting." These "girls" had a girls weekend there and this particular girl had written about how this same group of friends have had an annual get away every year since they were in their twenties. She wrote how marriage, babies, deaths and other life happenings caused absences of a few girls from the weekend getaways in some of the years, but they always make it an attempt to find themselves back with their wolf pack. It made me think of how much they've shared since the tender age of 20, where the weekend get a ways have consisted of drinking, gossiping about boys, going out to bars and maybe having too much booze, then slowly transitioning in to more of a restful retreat where they find refuge in each other's company. I imagined them sharing about their families, their kids, their husbands, confessing things they would never utter even to their husbands. They would still be the same though, there would be the sweet one, the wise one, the mother hen and the party girl. This is what I envy about the wolf packs I see in pictures. I wonder if I'm just imagining and fantasizing about what really isn't or what I already have but don't know it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Night, given the mysterious name and the place menace of society come take their stage so that their ways are not glaringly evil. When earth is Night, I see it as the girl who has dark hair and blue eyes, pale skin and always intimate. On the outside, she is quiet and seems as though she is the black hole of sadness you are afraid to fall into in fear that you may never be able to climb out of her. But she is kind and she asks you how you are, what you are, in her quiet curiosity your guard is let down and you can trust her. When earth is Night, you can see the stars, the moon, the universe and how infinite God is beyond herself. When you see God, and study Him without always the benefit of blessings, in the light as well as in the dark you will never be shaken. When earth is night and when it is darkest, you can see the stars, the planets, the moon, and how infinite the universe, how infinite the creator.
"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple." Isaiah 6:1
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
I miscarried and it's a damn tragedy and I haven't been angry or worried or sad about it, at least not in public. I didn't want to burden the people around me with it. In part, I wanted to rise from those ashes stronger and better, wanting to obey God and earn his love from that experience. But HE is done and I am done. I am loved already. completely and wholely. Period. There's nothing I can do more or less for him to love me and accept me as I am. Although, there are a lot of people who think I am resolute and secure, I, Susie Kong Shin am deathly afraid to be not loved. And in that process, I've been a slave to pleasing others, being the cushion pin, the door mat, and the comfort food so that I don't fail in the eyes of man.
I've been joyless and caged in my fear of not receiving acceptance, that I have lost myself. I am not losing my joy because of the heartbreaks that I have seen these past few years, but its because in those heartbreaks, I've died to myself so that I am not a burden. I want to be wildly free, dance, sing, laugh, and creative, like I was, but I can't muster up one joke without becoming fearful that the reaction I will get is not pleasing. To my displeasure, I am a pleaser. And though I would like to think myself my own person, not caring about what others see, but I am not. This takes more effort and more toll on my soul than to be rejected or fail. I'm don't want to do this any more. I am done trying so hard to make connections and cater to people because I want to be loved, but I just want to do the loving without any expectations for return.
Adults are not adults because we've matured. We stop riding roller coasters, stop having snowball fights and make snow angels, stop having swim parties and dancing because we are mature responsible adults, but I don't think it's because we matured. I think that we stop doing all that because we have seen too much and suffered much to enjoy fun. In the year 2010, I'll cry if I feel sad and heartbroken without thinking I'm burdening someone or that I'm making them uncomfortable, I will meet people without trying to win them over. I will express my anger without feeling like it's sin, I will be make jokes even if no one laughs and continue to express my thoughts on life without the worry of making people angry or protecting their imagine of my sanity, intellect or savvy.
In the year 2010, my resolution is to have fun again and enjoy myself. I will cut my hair, perm it, curl it, dye and pin it up because I like it. I will wear fur, short skirts and neon pink shoes because I think it's fun to. I want to sing for the praise of God and not worry about ushering a congregation into worship, I will stop having agendas for every meeting with people, but just to hang out and shoot the breeze. I will drink my favorite coffee every morning without worrying that people might think I'm a junkie. I'll do it because I'm not being judged on every single act, because God loves me and I'm done being loved. Everyone else is just dessert.