Friday, May 29, 2009

Beautiful women are invisible...

George O'Hearn: Beautiful women are invisible.
David Kepesh: Invisible? What the hell does that mean? Invisible? They jump out at you. A beautiful woman, she stands out. She stands apart. You can't miss her.
George O'Hearn: But we never actually see the person. We see the beautiful shell. We're blocked by the beauty barrier. Yeah, we're so dazzled by the outside that we never make it inside.

From The Movie Elegy 

My mother is this woman. She in her blossomed peak, was legendary in her hometown, where housewives would jump up from her breakfast and go running to the window with her chop sticks still in hand, just to steal a glimpse of her. I remember grocery shopping with her as a child, and found it a norm to receive free produce and candy because the men in the markets found my mother beautiful. She didn't notice most of the time, she is humble and oblivious to her own powers of persuasion, but recently, because we are friends now, I ask her difficult questions and she responses to them with such insight and depth, I am surprised. We always regarded my mother as the quiet caretaker without much complaining or opinion, over the years, we just learned to ignore her. I am glad I got over the "beauty show" and am dazzled by what she has to say.

Pregnant and ready to give birth

I recently had a dream where my belly was swelled to it's fullest brink and I knew I was having a boy. I woke up and immediately thought how I didn't want a boy as my first child, but then realized that it was just a dream and I wasn't pregnant in the first place. That is...I'm not physically pregnant with a physical child, but certainly with by immaculate conception, I am pregnant with a child I will have to bear shortly. Over the last year, I've been struggling with the idea of being in one place for so long, feeling like a ghost, feeling like I don't really exist in this community or on this earth. I've waited to move on to another location, another country, different scenery with different faces because that's what seemed natural to me, for that was my childhood up until Junior High. Finally, in the last month, I've been waking to see that I do belong here and my presence takes up space and that what I do and say makes an impression on others, positively and negatively. I have a nice home, comfortable arrangement in life and to top off what is already good, I have friends and family who have lavished love and care onto an undeserving wretch. Although I've found this warm place to burrow into, I'm feeling less content than before. Something is cooking, you could say, a bun in the oven.

I believe that I am ready to produce on to world what is mine, grown out of a seed placed in me by God, and that I've grown within me. It's not something suggested by someone else, or an adding on to something that is not mine, but a giving of birth from my pregnancy. I don't know what it is yet, but it has to come out soon. I think I can almost imagine what pregnant women are feeling when they are at their last days of their gestation and ready to burst. Anxious, uncomfortable, and up to their throat with ripeness. I think I need an ultrasound....

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Pearls I've strung together recently...

"no matter what decision u make, its the right one b/c it was ur choice" - Jon Kong

"life isn't changing faster than I can grow up." - Stephanie Park

"Joy is a necessity in sustaining the work of seeking justice, and it is a necessity in sustaining me personally."- Catherine K

I do not aspire to be someone with a psychotic fixation on evil and human suffering. It is a poorly lived life that cannot experience joy, peace, laughter, beauty and mirth despite all the oppression and injustice that mars the goodness of God’s creation. If the evening news or the morning paper keeps me from taking my wife to a movie, from laughing at my three-year-old daughter’s stories or from enjoying the exhilaration of a bike ride on a crisp fall day, then something is surely out of balance.” - Gary A. Haugen in Good News About Injustice

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Two Roads Diverge...

I'm thankful for the house I own with my wonderful husband, the flexible job that pay me in order to afford my home, and I'm thankful for my family, my friends, the people I know. I'm thankful for where I've ended up, and that phrase is precisely how I describe my life. "Where I ended up." I often feel that I've not made an active choice in anything that I've achieved or obtained, but these things just happened to me. I went to Purdue because I knew someone that attended Purdue, I didn't apply anywhere else, the fellowship at Purdue sought me out, I left for Seoul University because my father thought it best and came back when the program was not conducted in English. There was very little choosing on my part. I was almost always cornered into making a selection that is not really a choice because the option was often the only option before me.

I've been thinking a lot about the Yonsei program and what I should do, what I would choose, but here, at this junction, I've given my choice to my husband to make. Have I forfeited my choice to others because I don't want the burden of responsibility on my shoulders? To bare all of the consequences of Choice? Whether it be glory in the selection, or failure? Maybe I would be more satisfied in my life if I have made choices of my own, even bad choices to claim them as my own. To do things I want to do, even if I fail at them.

The Road Not Taken [by Robert Frost]

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I'm Only Human

It's just human nature, I'm only human, you're only human...these phrases are mostly used when the blemishes of our characters are revealed. I started thinking about this when someone said this to me after confessing that I had selfish thoughts and weak discipline. "It's just human nature to feel that way." Why is it that we pose humans like we're no different from animals. What can be done about the stench of a wet dog when the dog is wet, that's just what happens to them when they're wet, they stink. He's just a dog, it's acceptable for him to drag his bottom across the floor, or clean himself with his mouth, or show "affection" to another dog (or someone's leg for that matter) in public. What can dogs do but to act as dogs? And what can mere humans do to remedy our fallen state?

In the same breath, we humans are keen on our own rights as being human. We've made countless documentaries, films, short and long, and written documents on how the Nazis have completely and scandalously violated the sanctity of human life. The Germans will never live that one down until the end of days. One of the biggest platforms our politicians are forced to speak on is pro-life or pro-choice, right along with health issues and education. If this were not far from the debasing of human beings with the phrase "we are only human" I don't know what is. We are only human is the blatant dodging of responsibility, consequence and punishment of wrong doing or sin.

Then again, this phrase can connect as all of us as a collective, an expression to say, " I understand you brother, I get you, because I'm human too." We can quickly stand on the same side when someone pulls you over by stating, we are human.

It's one thing to see our true nature as blemished by sin, fallen because we have inherited the punishment of one bite forbidden. However, we are not damned to become as animals, only seeking selfish gain and satisfying our immediate desires, we are to be like God. He's designed us to be light, the salt, witness, ambassador, son, royal priesthood. We are not to be defeated and labeled as human. I believe all of us need to see ourselves truly as we are. Sons of God created as such, fallen, by our own hands and damned to hell. God has saved us and redeemed us. We are no longer bound to behaving as dogs, but human again.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

In His Shoes

No, Ashindig is not turning into a fashion blog, but fashion maybe a frequented topic just because I love it. I normally don't post a visual wish list on any of my blogs, but I just have to share. Just like when you taste something yummy, you want your friends to taste it too.

I've been looking for black gladiator shoes and these were the ones that caught my attention. I wasn't looking specifically for high end ones, but they were just the ones that were crying out to me. They're more Rock n' Roll than Gladiator, but I think they would be perfect with everything...A secretary outfit with a crisp white shirt and a gray pencil skirt, it also goes with evening wear and even a floral dress, these will break up the sweetness a little.

Jimmy Choo and Guiseppe Zanotti