Friday, June 27, 2008

To ponder or not to ponder...

My girlfriend Patty and I were discussing how there are two kinds of people in terms giving thought to life. There's the person that lives their life without a thought and accepts what circumstances that come their way. A "it is what it is" mentally. Then, there's that other person, that ponders life: "What is the meaning of my life?" "How can I change my behavior?" "What is the essence of a person?" or whatever... They talk about it, read about, blog about it and write poems about it. Patty, admits with chagrin, that She, is NOT a ponder and much to her dismay, she admits she makes the same mistakes over and over. I on the other hand, much to my detriment am a"ponderer" (But still making the same mistakes over and over). I'm Constantly in my head, mulling questions and issues over and over until I'm even more confused and depressed. Then that leads me to more pondering of why I'm depressed. You can see the problem with this can't you?

Last night, I think I must have channeled Patty and her philosophy of living, maybe not so much a philosophy as the way we're wired, but nevertheless, I never felt so present in my life. Like I was actually participating in the life I'm leading and I was genuinely awake! I saw clearly for the first time, my beautiful home, my sweet husband (who by the way stayed up all night on Wednesday making Lasagna for all of us) and yes, I don't have it that hard! So this is why Patty's so happy go lucky most her days? I know your secret~

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Death of a Generational Sin

Generational sin isn't passed on verbally or contractually like the conventional inheritance, but its built into your being when you are formed. There are two types, one from the Original generational sin, where all of Eve's sons and daughters will inherit the consequence of her fall. Then, there is the sinful inheritance that's a little bit more immediate and it comes from your grandmother or even a great grandmother. In my family, generational sin has been recognized and my father talks about in such frequency, it's clear what it is. He never gave it a name like "alcoholism", "anger" or "lust" but he describes it and indicates which of our sinful patterns are given in passing of our generational sin.

Fear. The sin of Fear has penetrated the family tree and had struck down many of our fathers and mothers into behavior unlike the conquerors we are in Christ! No one can say when or where the ghost of doubt enters and haunts us for generations, because that moment of intense doubt in God comes at an intimate moment. When your souls seeks no outside light to peek in and the solitude of what you keep to yourself festers into a dark and deep fear, and not just a momentary lapse of unbelief. Fear in our family has one manifestation that is prominent; Anger and it seemed for a long time that anger was our inheritance, but we are angry because of the fear and doubt we have in others and in ourselves. Fear drives us to protect ourselves in ways that are completely irrational.
My father worked to sever that line of sin, to stop passing it on. When my grandmother passed away, some of that fear died with her. The constant fear of her children leaving her, the fear of death, the fear of being alone or unloved. My grandmother kept these bitter fruits until she died, and somewhere deep inside, my body refuses to spring forth life because the sin hasn't died within me. I want to believe the promises God has given me; Freedom in knowing we have the inheritance of the kingdom, the richness of heaven, and the fruit of the spirit. Free to act, to react and give because we have already been given much.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Look up.

You treat me like you're too busy to treat me like a person....

Talking at me with expecations...

I'm waiting till you do....remember that is...that I'm your sister.
But then again....
Look up...look in...the Gospel. Live the gospel life. Know the costliness of the blood of the lamb. Then you won't have wait... you won't shrink into a tiny heart that can't sustain kindness or love.

Love dispite....

You'd be full...
There's a love that demands your soul.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Yelling quietly...

I can't tell whether the Clomid is finally built up in my system to cause all this "craziness" or if I'm exactly the same and it's the old familiar sadness I already own. Am I really that much different in your eyes? Do you not know this person that you see? Maybe you would sleep better at night if I were to cry out loud and crumble to the floor from the side effects you've been warned of....then you can become my savior for a moment.

I'm mellow and a little melancholy, but I don't see myself really different in anyway. It's the same kind of feeling I get now and then, of wanting to give up, stop and drop everything I'm doing. Unhappy with what I do, unhappy with what I don't do, and there's no answering it or appeasing it's discontent. It's a slippery slope when your propensity for depression is heighten by something like infertility and Clomid. I claw out of that hole everyday and there's no resting, because once I do, I'll slip back into that dark hole once more and those walls are slippery because it's lined with un-thankfulness, inward focus and sin that is mine and that is yours.

Most moments, I'm completely happy and thankful for the life I'm given and realize that I'm given more than most people. Sometimes I am overcome with elation that the people I love LOVE me so much, they just don't know what to do with themselves, and it satiates my hunger fully. Clomid doesn't add to or cause my melancholy heart to sigh, but it's the scapegoat. To point the finger at a faceless and soul-less thing that can't be hurt or offended by your accusatory finger.

Yes it's me, not you.
Don't try to fix me you won't succeed...
I have to fight for this one and only One can reward me with healing...
and He already knows my soul....
I only need for you to understand.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

House of Spirits

"I want a house just like that!" pointing to a beautiful yellow historic house with a red door, circa 1904. It has a white wrap around deck that goes all the way around the house, you can tell the owners loved this house, it's so well preserved. Hans always replies, "ghosts live in houses like that," and I just scowl. It's true homes have spirits, and not the floating sheets variation, but more like souls. No one likes to purchase a house, knowing that an old lady was found dead with her 6 cats eating at her flesh. We always ask for the previous owners' character. Who lived here? What kind of family were they? Did they love this place?

There are homes, when you walk in, there's a warm vanilla scent that comes from the wood, it's sunny inside even when it's cloudy out and you feel like you're home. You can instantly feel that the people that built the house built a home and the people that lived in the house, made a sanctuary of that place. The soul of the house is pleasant and docile. There are other houses, where no matter how sunny out, it's dark inside. You walk into the house and you feel pushed out, the house is extracting you from it's insides. Whatever happened in the house, happy or sad, was so beautiful or so ugly, it leaves a deep impression on the house, and that becomes it's soul. Unlike souls of men which need to be redeemed by God, souls of homes can be restored by mere pray over it, you pray inside of it, inside each room and between each space. Pray and whisper promises to have love and happiness inside of it. I hope to create a soul for our home, of comfort and openness, where anyone can walk in, grab a pop from the fridge and plop themselves on the couch. I want our home to be the house people think of when they need to rest, to celebrate,or to just be.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Grandmother II

(early days of marriage)

She was just a child really. A girl of 20, a student of the arts, but she gave up her youth to marry into my grandfather's household. She couldn't ask for more than what she received from them. She couldn't ask to continue her studies, she had to appear as though she would help with domestic duties along with her 3 elder sisters who also married well. She reminded everyone down to her grandchildren, that she was a university student studying piano until she was made to quit for her husband. She passed on wisdom devised from her regrets, "Susie, don't do it like me. You do what you want and once you're done and ready, you marry a man." Once she was married to my grandfather, she revealed her true face; she was not coy nor did she try to hide it. My grandmother never tried to be what she was not and she never thought to pretend. She didn't cook, clean or honor and respect her husband the way she should have. Her duties as wife and daughter were not completely neglected, she merely did just enough. She cooked but she was careless and the food was not delicious to eat, she cleaned but only dusted and wiped away only what was clearly visible in her eyes, she tended to her babies, but only to keep them alive. She wasn't the working kind.

My grandmother wanted a husband to charm her, receive gifts and not give any in return. She was to gain everything from this world, everything and everyone catered to her whim. Her mother, who was composed and perceptive said to my grandmother in a matter of fact way, "you love apples, and you're marrying into a family with an apple farm, what luck you have." My grandmother would just smile knowingly and felt completely entitled to what was coming to her. My grandmother's side, the Kim tribe brought a precarious and dark "luck" into the Kong family. Not the kind that lasts and give us blessings and wealth that can be passed from one generation to another. That's the kind of luck the Kong family had, wealth and blessings came to the Kongs that lasted through generations and generations. So much so that the name of Confucius still rings with honor and the estates that belong to the Kongs are majestic still. The Kim's luck brought you only so far, then it become a curse of some sort, like bringing your hopes up, just to crush down upon it. This is what caused a charmed child wake up in a girl's nightmare, when her father abandoned her in death. It's the kind that can't be helped, where the act of god causes all blessing and wealth to diminish. She brought this in and how potent it is, that instead of the luck of the Kongs blessing her, the curse of the Kims inundated her new family. That curse never stopped, she gave it to all of us, her husband, her children, her children's children. I don't where she inherited that ghost, and who she inherited it from, but it was only clearly seen beginning from her.

My grandmother's first years as a lady of the Kong courts treated her with lavishness and luxury she imagined for herself. She inherited land from her father in law, jewels from her mother in law and gifts from her husband. She even produced 2 sons while they lived in Pyong yang and she was honored for it. She didn't have responsibilities like her older sisters, but she also didn't play the helper role she was obliged to fulfill either. The women in her new family were too proper and wise to complain or to show grudge, it would be a shame to the family if the daughters were squabbling foolishly among themselves and causing family dissension. They were gentle-people and filled with Confucius pride that my grandmother got away with being a careless, free spirit all until she died in 2007. She was a sprite, she didn't belong on this earth, she didn't think so either, but while she was here, she might as well have enjoyed only the company of the beautiful, comfortable settings, tasty morsels, and entertainment fit for her amusement.